Failures, Triumphs, Loss, and a Gain

I have been really slacking lately. I don't really even have an excuse. I guess work has just been stressful enough that I have pretty much lost all want or need of anything. 

Last week I lost my appetite, which was crazy. I felt so numb. Literally, I was void of all feelings. Robotic. Close to comatose. It was scary. It was like I was in a little room with a window outside of my head. I could look at myself, but I couldn't talk to myself. I was screaming to wake up, feel something, but I couldn't hear it. I watched myself suffer; watched the worry lines of my husband's face as he consoled me the best he could. I'd eat, to satisfy those who were watching me, but I never felt any effect from it. I was not full, nor energized, nor was I even angry or upset. I was just kinda..... gone.

I am much better now, having regained my appetite on Saturday. It wasn't completely back, but I felt as if my body was nudging me towards food, and a reaction like that I was not going to pass up on. Even now, midweek, I'm not exactly hungry, but I do have a need for sustenance on a 5-7 hour basis.

I went to see my Orthopedic doctor yesterday, which was not really anything groundbreaking. He congratulated my 20 pound loss, and says with the exercises I've been doing (for my knee, the 20-degree lift and hold thing) that he sees there is some better motion happening. He gave me another strap because my first one was worn out. He said that I should try and cut back from the 2 Aleve twice a day and only try to take 1 twice a day because of the long-term effects of NSAID's. I told him that sometimes if I woke up feeling great I wouldn't take the morning dose, or at night if I felt good sometimes I'd skip that too. He said that I should take at least one in the morning and go from there. If I felt worse on days then take more, but never more than 4 in a day.
He recommended I start exercising in the morning, before I even eat. Now, as an Ortho doc, I know it has been many years since he's dealt with anything but bones, but I had a hard time swallowing what he was trying to sell me. I did some research online in the way of only checking .EDU or .ORG websites, such as the Mayo Clinic, etc. and there is some validation to what he's telling me. It seems that if I exercise before I break my fast of the day, then I will be burning FAT, not CARBS, and therefore boost my metabolism. This is turn can keep my body's fat absorption low throughout the day, and boost my energy level in the process. I have yet to give this a try, but I imagine my 12-minute mile would likely slow down, so maybe I'll do something small, like a single piece of toast with some peanut butter or something along those lines to not keep myself from keeling over.

Getting into the whole exercise thing, I may as well come clean. After 3 workouts of the Couch to 5K, I ended up giving up. Not because it was hard. Certainly not because I felt awesome after each workout. Certainly not because of any real valid reason to give up making yourself better, I just simply am a fat slob who is too self-conscious to run alongside busy roads in the twilight hours.
I don't need sympathy, or words of encouragement. I need a swift kick in the ass and someone yelling at me every morning at 5:30am to get out of bed and on that pavement!!

I need to stop lolly-gagging and get to steppin.... This being fat thing is so overrated nowadays. I mean, I can get a handicapped sticker just for being FAT!!?!?!!?? What has this world come to?!?!?

Anyway, I suppose I have no real ending for this, so I'll just let it drop off. I'm going to load a running mix to Mr. clippy tonight, and set out my running gear for the AM. I will be getting up at the asscrack of dawn to run. Maybe I'll even call out of work! Well.... probably not. But it's the thought that counts. I don't think they'll let me call in fat. :-)

G'Night!