Depressed... (4/18 unfinished) & Update (4/28/12)

Well, it's been a few weeks since I've updated. Nothing really excited has happened. I'm discovering a new pair of work pants are not fitting each day, which means I'm gaining weight again. That's not good news.

My orthopedic doctor has recommended I lose weight (fucking DUH), but it will also help alleviate the pain in my knees. Along with exercises that I haven't been doing consistently, and not climbing stairs, which I am also not not-doing. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my job that I can't climb stairs. Maybe I'll ask the doc to full exclude it on my next visit in May just to tell my job officially I can't do it.

There is some exciting news on the home front.... My AWESOME Aunt Kaye and her family pitched in to pay for my Open Water SCUBA certification.... which I am currently doing. Tomorrow is our last class and this weekend we'll be heading to Leisure City and Key Largo to do our check-out dives.

Right now I should actually be studying/doing my written final exam, but instead I'm holed up in the bedroom typing away at this blog which no one reads.

Above was what I tried to post on 4/18. I was on my laptop and suddenly the backlight on my laptop died. Sad story bro. Today is 4/28/12. It's 2 days from my depressing of a 25h birthday. Depressing? Why? Because I'll be 25 and have nothing to show for it except a marriage. No college degree, no high-paying job. Not even a M-F job. Why? Because I'm a loser. Today my self-esteem is hovering somewhere between nill and negative ten. Closer to the latter I suppose. I'm fat, and I have knees that limit my activity level. I'm working at a job where I am getting more and more managerial-like responsibilities and yet no pay like one. I'm so tired of being over-qualified for my job, but I like what I do. My manager is just too reliant on me. When stuff happens on my general area I get the butt of it. It sucks. I'm pretty depressed at life right now. I'm so tired of being this big. But my knees don't seem to be getting any better with the stuff the doc gave me to try. I also have no drive to do anything. I fit the bill of "fat and lazy" because there is so much to do, so much I WANT to do, so much I SHOULD BE DOING, but yet I'm not. I've tried the reward system. It doesn't work. I've tried the punishment system, where I don't do something I enjoy doing because I did not get something I needed to get done. This doesn't work either. I need a support system but how do I tell my husband he needs it just as much as I do? That's wrong, and mean. But I'm scared for him too. What if we don't lose this weight? We'll just get bigger. That means more health problems (which he won't go see a doctor for) and eventually untimely death or diseases. UGH. FUCK THAT. I'm sick of me today. And I have to work. Which no one is happy about. But WTF I request days off for stuff then we don't do that stuff so I forget to change the request and BOOM that's how I ended up working the weekend before my birthday. Fuck today. I wanna go to bed. (<-- Jeeze what a lazylady response..)

Stupidity. Come one, come all.

I'm not even sure what the fuck I'm doing right now. Seriously. Do I really think I'm going to keep up with this? Probably not. Other than my nail biting and my marriage, my commitment record is nothing if not terrible. I simply cannot commit if it is hard.

So, that being said, what useless blabber am I going to fill up this page with? Well, let's start with a ramble, shall we?

It's April 5th. I turn 25 in 25 days. I'm scared. That's a quarter of a century. That's about a third of my life. And what do I have to show for it? About 80 extra pounds, a plethora of extra inches, no college degree, no real advancement in career, and on a high note: one extraordinary, childless marriage. Well, at least I've got one good thing going for me.

As for the rest, well...... what am I going to do but continue to chip away at each of those things? I'm smart. I'm [relatively] healthy, and I'm still [mildly] young. I'm in school, I'm comfortable and slightly successful at my job, and now that I know what's wrong with me I can get my fat ass into shape.

I could be outside. I could be on a walk. Well, maybe not... it IS 10:00pm on a Thursday night. But you get the idea. Why am I sitting here, writing to absolutely no one, instead of doing something? Well, why don't we take ourselves back to the beginning?

I'm 13. My parents' marriage is on the rocks. My big brother has no time for me and I don't make time for my annoying little brother. Power Rangers is on after school, and we eat dinner that is packed full of preservatives from a box every night that we don't get fast food. I sneak snacks from the cupboard. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't play any sports; I was terrible at staying committed to any that I tried.

I'm 16. My parents have finally divorced, and my mother's and father's personal problems begin to affect me personally. I have made a few close friends, but still go right home after school and hole myself up in my room. I eat. I snack. I forage. I try to play/hang out/etc with friends but it's just not something my heart is in, so I stop trying. I don't remember exactly what my body looked like, but I remember sizes 12 and 14 being in my mind.

I'm 18. I've graduated high school. I'm in a new, yet very serious relationship with a wonderful guy. The last boyfriend I had was a secret and in keeping that secret I was depressed and ate. This new boyfriend takes me out to eat. A lot. I'm unsure of "what I want to be when I grow up" and go to school online so that I can work full time. Making money makes me happy. I'm having slight knee pain every so often that very rarely hinders my ability to work.

I'm 21. I've gained a lot of weight since high school. I'm in an 18 at this point. The successful relationship has progressed and we have moved in together. Dinner is no longer from a box, but is still not balanced and healthy [think lots of red meat]. I've bounced from school to school, losing real credits in exchange for "humanities" credits due to the transfers, and still have not decided what I want to be. This is the year I really begin to hate my body. I stop expressing my sensuality and instead wear jeans and teeshirts a majority of the time. Work is stressful and I eat, snack, and binge my way through a work day.

I'm 24. The successful relationship I was once in is now a very successful and happy marriage. I am well taken care of, and we have bought our first house. I'm in a 20/22 now, and the muffin tops are dangerously close to spilling over. I have back fat, and am showing signs of bingo wings. I have tried to exercise but the knee pain has progressed since high school and makes me give up early on. I feel like I have no support in my efforts, and going at this alone is stressful and depressing. We cook dinner at home I'd say about 90% of the time, and although it is not a perfect replication of the "food guide pyramid/choose my plate", I feel it is an improvement.. although the portion size is still way off. As aforementioned, I do not get the exercise recommended because of the pain in my knees.

So what do we know now?

*My eating habits are slightly better, although portions are still out of control.
*Exercise will have to be evaluated by my doctor to ensure safe movement for my knees.
*I have extremely poor self esteem, and have no real support past verbal encouragement; thus I feel I am alone in this venture.
*I have a true and burning desire to become healthy and beautiful to myself once more.

So how do we do it?

Well, I found out what's bothering my knees. It's called Chondromalacia Patella. Simply put: the cartilage under my patella [kneecap] is softening due to rubbing and agitation. Treatment includes wearing a "cho-pat" strap to help keep the kneecap in alignment, leg exercises to help strengthen the muscles around the knee, and no upward or lateral movements (stairs and fitness training, respectively). Use of a prescription non-steroid anti-inflammatory is also recommended.

That being said, the doc says I can walk and job on a flat surface with no inclines or declines. He also recommended swimming and of course, those leg exercises to build my leg muscles.

I just have to find the motivation. And I have no idea where to look. Do I turn to a bunch of strangers on some fitness website? Nah, too impersonal. What about reaching out to my two best friends? One lives a bazillion miles away and the other is across the state and is still in the honeymoon phase of her relationship. And I've tried to get my husband to join me but he has his own reasons and issues to deal with in that department.

[Sigh]....

If you ever leave me, I'll be sad and blue
Don't you ever leave me, I'm so in love with you
The birds in the sky would be sad and lonely,
If they knew that I lost my one and only,
They'd be sad if you're bad to me
The leaves on the trees would be softly sighin'
If they heard from the breeze that you left me cryin',
They'd be sad, don't be bad to me
But I know you won't leave me 'cos you told me so,
And I've no intention of letting you go,
Just as long as you let me know, you won't be bad to me
So the birds in the sky won't be sad and lonely,
'Cos they know that I got my one and only
They'd be glad that you're not bad to me
They'd be glad that you're not bad to me, to me, to me
-Bad To Me, The Beatles